9:21 pm
I sit here at my computer in angst. the drop is this Friday and once again although I've realistically only been working on this drop for around a yr (like its some small feat). I feel like it all comes down to this Friday. the last 5 years of my life since graduation feel like they have been for this one moment. of course we've had a few drops since then but this one feels different. all the hours being unemployed; fighting for a bigger purpose feel like they meant something this time. Recently we've grown the community larger than its ever been. this blessing comes with weight. "if the community is so big and it feels so genuine, why no preorders?" "if the drop is so important, why is it getting less attention than the other vids?"
these are not the memories i want; solidifying these memories only result in a negative feedback loop taking me further away from our goal. everyday being a creative is an internal and external battle. right now it feels like i have to prove the most to people closest to me because of our limited understanding of each other's true nature. while random strangers completely understand the why and maybe some of the how i want to change the mold. I know this is just apart of being a creative and i persist. since we know of the presence of a battle you have to design what you can control to work for you. (thoughts)
the part that has me in angst is capitalistic in nature. of course that is the last thing i want to think about with this brand; but realistically if i have grown such a large community that "understands" what im trying to do and wants to wear my designs so badly; how come the attention has dwindled so much when it comes time for me to make a more than likely red roi on all my time and dedication to the community for the past few years? this is the part that has me torn. i never wanna get so big to blame others for my shortcomings.
for now i will keep blaming on being black in america, the algorithm, distrust of traditional evil marketing tactics, and capitalism. because if i ever turn on the people, i am not me; for all we have as people is each other.
to sum all dis shit up in non creative talk it feels really weird rn bc im in the phase where ik most of my family wont support me because they think i already made it but also think im poor but dont realize every normal citizen is poor rn?!?!? on the opposite side of the same coin i got strangers that wanna see me win but dont seem like they want to cop (just like my family) just yet which could be my fault with such untraditional personal marketing and promotion and it seems like they're waiting for me to fully blow before copping. but truthfully i know its just part of the game and i have to blame myself and the corrupticities of the world and keep it pushing. idk bruh this could be me overthinking and imma sell out in 5 mins. all i know is i love every minute and accept every emotion with open arms. yall remember the past...